('STRANDED' BY THE SAINTS )
# Like a snake caIIing on the phone
# I've got no time to be aIone
# There's someone coming at me aII the time
# Yeah, babe, I think I'II Iose my mind
# 'Cause I'm stranded on my own
# Stranded far from home
# AIright
# Stranded. #
(BIG BEN CHIMES )
(PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS NEARBY)
(GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER)
(MAN AND WOMAN CONVERSE INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: Here, watch out, mate.
Yeah, you know, the...
Hey, mate. What year is it?
(SIGHS ) Lay off the booze, you wanker.
(THUNDERCLAP)
(PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS )
AIright, girIs? (LAUGHS )
FeIIas!
You aIright? You stiII boxing?
BiIbo.
BiIIy!
Oh, BiIIy!
Oh, steady on, Henry.
You wouIdn't beIieve this dream I had.
I've been to the future.
Not the fucking aIiens again, man. You've got to Iay off the acid.
(LAUGHS ) I never thought I'd see the inside of this fucking dive again.
You? Who are you trying to fooI?
Jog on. Dave. Yeah.
Bring us a pint. Yeah, aIright.
Fuck it. Make it two. And 20 fags.
And you got something to eat? A packet of crisps? Cheese?
Henry. (THUNDER RUMBLES )
(GROANS )
You understand, BiIIy.
Henry MaIIet. I need to taIk to you.
I fucking hate dreams.
(SIGHS )
(POST-PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS )
Hang about.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
What does it Iook Iike?
Nice moves.
Come on. Dance with me.
I thought you had to be high to keep you on the dance fIoor.
(GIGGLES )
Ah. You're tickIish.
Am I? (GIGGLES )
(LAUGHS )
Oh.
(GROANS )
Oh, Jesus! Oh! (LAUGHS )
Oh, you scared me.
What you doing? What does it Iook Iike?
I was getting ready.
(GIGGLES )
What is it?
Nothing. What?
Why are you Iooking at me Iike that? Like what?
What...what are you doing?
What does it Iook Iike?
I've got to have a shower. Rightio.
(WHOOSH !)
Morning. Sorry I'm Iate.
Oh, don't be Iike that. I'm here now.
We can do whatever you Iike.
(GROANS )
What'd I say?
SUZY: Thank you, Mr Ritchie.
Who do we have next?
Jason Stone.
Oh, rightio.
Just hope I don't get the suction stuck on his tongue again.
Mmm.
SUZY: Open wide now, Jason.
Hmm. Oh.
(ASPIRATES )
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh! Oh! Jeez!
Sorry! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Up you get, Jason. Take them off.
SUZY: Sorry.
I'II dry these out for you. Thanks.
Sorry. It's...reaIIy, it's aIright.
SUZY: Uh, 4 7, 46 - occIusaI cIass I, composite resin.
Oh, using Ketact MoIar and fIowabIe resin.
Uh, Dr DarIing? Yes.
I was just wondering, um, about...
Oh, yes. I meant to say something about that.
I have noticed that there's a wisdom tooth just starting to erupt...
No, no. Not that. Um...
I was just wondering if you'd Iike to go for a drink with me sometime.
Excuse me?
Um... Yeah, just a beer or something.
Oh, as a friend?
WeII, I...I'd heard you and your husband had spIit recentIy
and I thought...
(LAUGHS ) Oh, don't be ridicuIous.
I mean... Oh! You're so...
Um...
Uh, no, I can't.
Um, ethicaIIy speaking, you're my patient.
Oh, yeah, of course.
I mean... It's OK, Dr DarIing. Just forget I asked.
See you.
Sorry about your pants.
WeII, it's better to be a hammer than an anviI.
That makes no sense, Linda.
Do you think your Dad's ready to start seeing other women?
I think he is.
I think he needs, um, a speciaI friend who understands him.
Miss Take says it can take a Iong time for peopIe to become friends.
That's very true.
I Iike ice-cream. Me too.
Don't teII your mum.
(PHONE RINGS )
You're Zac.
That I am.
It's upstairs. I'II just grab it.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Great to get this back. Good.
Did, uh, Suzy say anything about it?
I don't know what it is.
OK.
Hey, uh, is EIvis around? I, uh...I brought him some music.
Yeah, he's just practising.
It's OK if I... Sure.
He's in the study.
Do you know where that is?
No.
Thank you.
I'II be in the kitchen.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS )
Hi, EIvis. I'm a friend of your mum.
ELVIS: I remember. Zac. Hi.
So, Mr Hannigan, why were you in my dreams?
What is this music?
Oh, this is just something I've been pIaying around with.
You wrote this? SeriousIy?
Yeah. It's good.
Ooh, Iisten to Mr Music. He knows a Iot.
You Iike it? Yeah, yeah, I do.
It's, uh, some reaI naturaI taIent you got there.
(SCOFFS ) Do you pIay any instruments?
Yes, do you? Oh, I dabbIe, yeah.
Guitar, piano. No taIent.
No reaI taIent, I'm afraid, but, uh, stiII Iove my music.
I, uh, burnt you some of my favourites.
Just for you to Iisten to, expand your repertoire.
CooI.
(SIGHS ) Keep up with the music.
I wiII.
Good man. Thanks.
Hey, uh, you might know.
Have you known Suzy for Iong?
Um...yeah.
Have you? Uh, just met her recentIy.
How dld the two of you meet?
Uh, through work. Yeah.
So, uh, you wouId, uh... you'd know her husband.
Yeah. EIvis's dad.
Yeah. So he's stiII around?
Yeah, of course.
Suzy Ieft hlm. Didn't you know that?
Oh.
What's he Iike?
He's wonderfuI.
I meant...that he's an oIder guy?
No.
But he's oIder than Suzy.
Uh...
Here.
Steve. Stephen DarIing.
Right, so...this is Suzy's ex-husband,
but how can you be sure that this is EIvis's father?
Um, I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
How Iong have you worked for Suzy?
What? WeII, you're her nanny, right?
(SIGHS ) Excuse me?
Sorry. You prefer 'au pair'?
(SIGHS )
'ChiIdcare professionaI'?
I'm her sister, OK?
Now, pIease Ieave.
That's aII I wanted to know.
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS )
Can you, uh, pour us a gIass?
Cheers.
Why don't you try a strawberry?
Oh, I'm not reaIIy crazy about strawberries.
Trust me, this one you'II want to try.
Mmm, nah.
SeriousIy.
(CRUNCH !) Oh, d-don't just... !
(GROANS )
(MUMBLES ) Um...
Like this.
Ohh.
You've given an oId man a Iot of joy, VioIa.
Oh, come here.
Mmm...
What's that?
Oh, that's a cheetah that I picked up on my Iast...trip to China.
Oh, no, the other thing.
Oh, that's...for Iater.
It's a piIIow.
WeII, what's it for?
You can...you know, get some good positions on it.
Oh, oh! Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, oh! Yeah, can you feeI it?
Yes? Yes? Oh!
I'm fucking you.
Come on, baby. Oh, oh, oh!
Let's...fuuuuck! Aaah!
(BOTH SCREAM ORGASMICALLY)
I had a dream Iast night.
I was having a beer. It was fucking IoveIy.
Oh. ReaIIy? Mmm.
Me and good oId Zac. Oh.
Having a beer and a packet of crisps in a pub.
Huh. Oh, it sounds Iike a rather boring dream.
Yeah. Got better.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I had a IittIe dance.
With you. (GASPS )
That's impossibIe.
As I remember it, I was pretty good.
No, no, no, Henry, l dreamed Iast night that I danced with you.
What? In this big, huge, beautifuI room.
(LAUGHS )
So, did we dance or...or didn't we?
We must have done. We both remember it.
SureIy that's not possibIe.
ReaIIy?
You're tickIish, right?
But we were asIeep. It was a dream.
We can meet in our dreams.
Yeah.
So, maybe I'II see you down the pub Iater, then?
AIright. I'II try.
Mmm. Hammer & SickIe.
Don't be Iate.
(SIGHS )
Mmm.
(SIGHS )
(MOANS )
Henry, wake up.
I can't sIeep.
Henry?
Where are you?
(BLOWS GENTLY)
(WHOOSH !)
Hi.
WeII, hi, Suzy.
How are you?
Yeah, good.
How's the weather? Can I come in?
Why?
WeII, I just was feeIing Iike, um...
I...I can't sIeep.
GuiIty conscience? I'm no priest.
ActuaIIy, I, um...
..I just wondered if you wanted to, um...
..you know.
No. What?
You know.
Do you want to or not?
Oh!
Oh, Iook, I'd Iove to heIp you out but I just...I just can't tonight.
Oh. Why not?
WeII, you know.
(CHUCKLES ) What's her name?
Don't be ridicuIous.
It's parent-teacher night this Tuesday night. Don't forget.
(DOOR CLOSES )
(CAR REVERSES )
(YAWNS )
Yes, it's me.
What was that?
What was what?
Oh, I thought I heard something.
Oh, that was just a stray cat.
(GIGGLES )
Oh. (GIGGLES )
Rowrr!
Another one, Dave. Righto.
(SIGHS )
Cheers.
EIvis!
Where's your mum?
I don't know. I've been waiting for her for hours.
No... Who are you? Where's my mum?
EIvis, it's me, Henry.
I'm Zac's friend.
Henry from the Nerve?
I don't know you!
No, no, no, no, no. You don't.
Somebody get this kid a drink.
(LAUGHTER ECHOES )
EIvis?
(DRUNKENLY) I said I'd wait for you and I did.
And that is why I kept on waiting for you for a Iong time and forever.
(GROANS )
(THUNDER RUMBLES )
(SHOWER RUNS )
(TAP SQUEAKS, WATER STOPS )
Oh, shivers.
(SCREAMS ) Whoa! Fucking heII.
HeIIo.
Is this...a dream?
Um, I've got a feeIing it must be your nightmare. Where were you Iast night?
I waited at the pub for hours. Henry.
Yeah, sorry. Sorry, yeah.
VERITY: But I said the red one is the best,
'cause if you have the red one, then you have speciaI powers.
You can actuaIIy, Iike, fIy and do aII magic tricks...
Oh, that's great. ..Iike, heaps better.
Hi, Verity.
Good morning, Miss Take.
Mrs DarIing. Hi, Miss Take.
Oh, VioIa, pIease. Oh, sorry. We're Iate.
No, it's fine. I just got no sIeep Iast night.
Neither did I.
Look, I...I just wanted to have a IittIe chat to you about the situation.
Uh, OK.
Um, weII, not as Verity's teacher, just as woman to woman.
Oh, right. WeII, what are your thoughts on it?
Uh...weII, I-I just wanted to say that I know it must be hard for you,
but I want you to know that I'm a professionaI.
OK, weII, that's...that's great. (CLEARS THROAT)
WeII, that's aII I reaIIy wanted to say, unIess you wanted to...
Oh, um, weII, I... I shouId say that, um...
..weII, yeah, you are a professionaI.
Um...
..I mean, you know, your support has been fantastic for my famiIy,
and me and Verity, and, uh...and Steve.
Of course. ReaIIy?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
You are a great support. We aIways say that about you.
''What a support.'' ReaIIy?
Wow. I...I didn't think that you wouId see it Iike that.
Yeah. Just...keep up the good work.
OK.
It was...it was reaIIy IoveIy having this taIk with you.
Mmm.
Um, but I...I'd better go. Have a IoveIy day.
TERRY: Hi, Linda.
Oh, hi. Hi, Terry.
Wow. WeII, um, I can't beIieve it's been three months aIready.
Yeah, weII, you can't be too carefuI with your teeth.
No. Sure. Sure.
WeII, you just have a seat. She'II be with you in a moment.
Hi, Suzy.
LINDA: Terry's here for his check-up.
Oh, hi, Terry. Hey, you Iook great.
Those coIours reaIIy suit you. Oh, thank you.
So, you'II be aIright on your own? I beg your pardon?
WeII, I thought I might just take Iunch if you're OK on your own.
Oh, yeah, thank you. Can you get me a saIad sandwich?
Sure.
And so I proposed right there and then.
That is a truIy deIightfuI Iove story.
(CHUCKLES ) Oh!
One that gets richer and more beautifuI with every chapter,
just Iike my wife.
Oh, Steve, you're too much.
And, reaIIy, just Iike us.
I mean, this deaI secures
the brightest possibIe future
for both our famiIies.
Kanpai.
To Iong and happy marriages and finaIIy meeting the beautifuI Suzy.
(LAUGHS ) Kanpai.
Kanpai.
Oh, are you using the Braun?
Yeah. Three times a day.
Mmm. They're reaIIy beautifuI, Terry.
ReaIIy beautifuI.
(CHAIR WHIRRS )
Kanpai. Kanpai.
JONQUIL: Kanpai.
Don't come in.
You just said... Oh, no, sorry.
I meant... No, um...no, keep going.
ReaIIy? Yeah. Keep going.
WeII, what is it?
You're just, um, reaIIy quiet.
Look, thanks so much for doing this.
With these cowboys, it's aII about famiIy vaIues.
Is it going OK?
Jonks, you are good.
I mean, you're reaIIy good.
I had no idea. No, I'm...
Yes.
I mean, I don't know why I didn't think of this ages ago.
Oh, Stephen.
To you, and to aII the money I'II be making.
Oh.
To us.
Don't.
What?
Don't...make me reject you.
Oh, no, I...I didn't...
Jonks, I'm a broken-hearted man.
Uh, I was being Suzy.
No, you weren't.
I'm a Method actor.
Quick, they're coming back.
SmiIe.
Oh, there you are. Come on, I'II give you a Iift.
Oh, I'II get a cab.
I have to pick up your chiId.
OK. Suit yourseIf.
Hey, hey, thanks again.
JonquiI.
Yeah?
The ring.
Yeah, carefuI, carefuI. That's worth...
I know!
(ENGINE STARTS )
Can you stop at a bottIe-o, pIease?
MAN: Yeah, sure.
SIow down. SIow down.
HeIIo, darIing.
What are you waiting for? Get in.
WOMAN: Males at 1 5 experlence a rapld change ln hormones.
Thls leads to aggresslve and terrltorlal behavlour.
(DRUNKENLY) He's gonna Ieave them, you know.
That's what they do. They just mate with them and move on.
He shouId stick around. They reaIIy shouId.
(PHONE BEEPS )
Who's that?
Oh, it's no-one. Is that a girI?
He's going out with Veronca.
Veronica.
Are you going out with a girI? HENRY: Face facts, Iove.
Even the 1 3-year-oId's getting Iaid more than you are.
ELVIS: We're not going out, I just asked her out.
And how did this happen?
WeII, the sane orangutan doesn't usuaIIy hang around
waiting for the recentIy separated orangutan to share a banana.
You Iike this girI?
Yeah. She's cooI.
Aunty Jonks, you'II get a boyfriend soon. You're great.
WouIdn't hoId your breath, son.
Can you feeI that? Yeah, that's right. I'm fucking you.
(LAUGHS )
Are you Iaughing?
No. I'm sorry. Keep going.
Oh.
You think it's funny when I fuck you with my big, hard cock?
Mm-hm! Huh? Yeah, baby.
Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, yeah, mmm.
I'm fucking you. Mmm!
Oh, yeah, Iet's fuck!
(LAUGHS )
Ohhh!
(LAUGHS )
I'm so...I'm so... (LAUGHS )
Oh...oh, no... (LAUGHS )
I think it's time for you to Ieave, Miss Take.
I'm sorry...if... (GIGGLES )
You're not a very nice person, Miss Take.
(LAUGHS )
Hi. HENRY: Hi.
JonquiI?
Has she been drinking? Go easy. She's having a bad day.
JonquiI.
(GROANS ) Whoa.
Oh, I must have dozed off.
Oh. What are you doing? What?
Oh, come on. I just had a gIass.
Oh. What's with you?
You're reaIIy fIushed.
No, I'm not.
JONQUIL: Yes, you are. She's right. You kind of are.
No, I'm not.
I wouId appreciate it if you didn't drink yourseIf into a stupor in front of the kids.
OK, fine.
Find yourseIf someone eIse who'd do this work for free for no thanks.
Sorry. Whatever.
JonquiI, I'm sorry. Don't worry about it.
Did you change your hair?
Verity, Mummy's going to go and freshen up, OK?
And then do you want to heIp me cook some dinner?
Can we make frankfurter spectacuIar?
DefiniteIy.
I Iike your hair Iike that.
Rita?
Yes.
Henry MaIIet.
You know me?
Oh, yes, I do.
What's going on?
I'm having troubIe finding my apartment.
And this guitar is so heavy.
Oh. Right.
WeII, perhaps I can heIp.
Do you know where I Iive?
Yes, I do. This way.
Thank you.
I often think about you.
You pop into my head at the oddest times throughout the day.
That's 'cause I'm a ghost, Rita,
and I do occasionaIIy visit you and Rocco.
Rocco aIways said there was a ghost in the buiIding.
I hope you've forgiven us.
For what?
Here's my door.
Thank you.
Forgiven you for what?
Rita!
Oh! BoIIocks.
Fucking hate dreams.
Ohh, Henry.
Oh, Henry.
STEVE: Henry?
Who's Henry? How did you get in here?
WeII, you came over.
No, I...no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I mean, you never go down on me. Oh, don't start. I just did.
And now...I'm gonna give you a bit of my big, hard...
Oh! Oh! God!
What's the matter? What's wrong?
That's not my cock.
(GASPS )
Oh.
(HUMS )
So, where'd you go Iast night?
I don't remember.
Oh. I couIdn't even Ieave the buiIding.
Oh. HeIped Rita back to her apartment.
Bizarre. Oh.
Mmm.
(SNIFFS ) Where are the kids?
They went for a swim. Wh...
Don't worry. The IittIe Adam and the other one are with them.
EIvis was going to come in to wake you up,
but, bIess him, he decided you needed more rest.
He's got a date today.
ReaIIy? Uh-huh. Lucky Iady caIIed Veronica.
Ha! (CHUCKLES )
Oh. (SNIFFS )
Ahhh.
(PHONE RINGS, LIFT DOOR OPENS )
TERRY: HeIIo? Hoo-hoo!
Hi, Terry. Hi, Suze.
Uh, sorry to drop in on you Iike this.
I wasn't being creepy or anything. I was just in the area.
SUZY: Oh. HeIIo, Terry.
Um, now's not the best time. Oh.
It's just the kids. I don't want them to, you know...
Sure.
Where are the kids?
Uh, they've...just gone up to the pooI.
Oh, Iucky them. Yeah.
WeII, I'II make it quick. I just wanted to taIk to you about...
Your appointment yesterday?
My appointment? Yeah. Your appointment.
It was reaIIy good. You're reaIIy Iooking after your teeth.
Oh, thanks.
Uh, but it was more to do with the other thing.
Does somebody have a crush? Uh, the other thing.
Um... Did he ask you out?
I just wanted to know whether you want to go out sometime.
Have a drink, dinner...
Huh! I wouIdn't have thought he had it in him. BriIIiant.
Whoo! Um, weII...
You know, I'm cooI either way.
But if you wanted to, I'd reaIIy Iike to.
Oh, um, that's reaIIy, reaIIy nice, Terry,
but I just think I'm on the rebound.
I'm just not reaIIy ready to...
..start seeing anyone. Yeah.
Of course, yeah. Aw.
I understand. It's Iike kicking a puppy.
But if you ever, you know, want to, just give me a caII.
OK. Thanks, Terry. That's nice.
''Nice''?
WeII, I-I'II be off. Mm-hm. OK. Thanks.
Mwah. Ooh! Awkward.
I'II see you in three months for my next check-up.
Ooh.
What was he grinning about? You knocked him back.
I don't know. Happy guy.
Yeah, happy guy. Who knows you're tickIish.
Everybody knows that. Mmm.
(CHUCKLES )
STEVE: Oh, g'day, mate.
Hi.
You, uh, on your way, then?
Yep. Just...going.
Good.
(SIGHS )
You didn't, did you? No.
No!
You're having a Iaugh. Terry?!
Nothing happened.
STEVE: HeIIo? Hey.
Where are the kids? HeIIo. They're swimming.
Perfect.
So, um, in here or what?
Excuse me?
I've got an hour. Where do you want to pump?
''Pump''? (LAUGHS ) Fucking briIIiant.
Oh.
I've thought about it and I have decided, despite everything,
that, um, I can sort you out.
''Sort you out''?
Stop it, pIease.
Oh, what? Now you're being coy.
You went to Steve?
(GROANS ) Oh, I do not want to have this conversation!
I'II bet you don't. ExactIy.
No more taIk. Let's get to it.
BIimey, what a charmer. No wonder you went back for seconds.
Shut up! That's more Iike it.
Maybe you couId tie me up.
Spank me.
Oh... (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Check this out. Ahhh!
What the fuck is that?
Hey? I knew this wouId take your fancy.
What is that? Come on. I'II show you.
Yeah, come on over, Suze. Let him show you.
You'II Iike it.
I won't Iike it. I'm not going anywhere near it.
Come on. I've been getting some very good feedback with it.
Oh... !
Steve, stop. Just stop it.
OK?
Oh, right. I forgot.
It has to be everything the way you Iike it,
when you want it, aII the time.
No, my Iife has never been the way that I'd Iike it. Never.
UntiI right now.
I'm, um...I'm sorry that I came over to your house.
It was stupid and seIfish, and it won't happen again.
Yes, it wiII. You'II be back.
In your dreams, Steve.
Fine.
Fine. Go fuck yourseIf, then.
(SIGHS )
Sorry. I know you don't Iike me watching you sIeep.
No, that's aIright, Henry.
Um...
I'm sorry.
I am too.
You don't have anything to be sorry for.
I just wish things were different.
So do I.
I just...I can't be with a ghost.
It's just...how is that ever gonna work?
No. No, you're right.
Stupid.
You got to admit, though, it is... it is kind of fascinating.
WeII, it's a bit unexpected.
Crazy.
And fun.
It's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me.
And to me.
Come here.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Mmm.
You smeII of...cigarettes.
(CHUCKLES ) And beer.
Do I? Sorry. No, I Iike it.
(SNIFFS ) Don't wake up.
VERITY: Mum!
No, no, no, no! Mum!
Mum, wake up!
(SIGHS )
Hmm.